northern ca living

Tag: advice

  • équilibre

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    Sonoma State University (@seawolfliving)

    I’m at work, and I keep getting these collect calls from state penitentiaries, the first one was a male located somewhere in Washington State, the second, a woman from here in CA. I hear these peoples’ recorded voices and I can’t help but immediately think; they are calling a wrong number with their one and only phone call of the day! I want to answer, I want to ask if I can contact someone for them, I don’t even think about what they might be in for. I like to say my default action is empathy.

    I can’t say the same for the rest of the world. I know there are people who mean well. I know there are those who go out of their way to volunteer, lend a hand to neighbors, but when it comes to someone bullying your child, where do you stand then? Does it immediately become an ‘us’ against ‘them’ mentality? Do you think about what that child may be going through that may cause them to enact such distress onto yours? I believe I know how I would respond in this situation, but as is often said, you truly don’t until it happens.

    I listen to all of these true crime podcasts, some are rife with levity; My Favorite Murder (though some may find this gauche given the subject), which is a great distraction from the more serious and often devastating Sword and Scale, or the exclusively UK, They Walk Among Us. I wouldn’t normally say this is close company but then again, how many people will actually see this…right? But I find myself focused more on the acused compared to the the victim. Let me dig a little deeper here; child crimes are my absolute. I don’t care who you are or how damaged a human being you became due to experiences that were beyond your control, if you harm a child you are below the lowest of even warranting a second glance or thought. There is no excuse for that behavior, I don’t care if you are a parent beating you child and you think you are disciplining them, or those involved in all the other various and unspeakable crimes against children I hear about. Hard line; you are scum if you hurt a child. Now, when children hurt other children, or their parents, etc. That to me warrants some further investigation. I am not sure if one is born with a proclivity for violence, but I do spend a lot of time during and immediately following these horrific stories wondering if something more could have been done. If that child expelled from school for bullying you kid could have had just a little more attention, a hands on approach rather than feeling tossed aside by the teachers and the system that should have been there to guide them. How do we garner such empathy for those who do horrible things? Is it possible? I hear of some families, held captive by the devastation of loosing their loved one, in the court room they stand, facing the accused and say; I forgive you. What it must take, and I don’t know about religion because though that may very well play a part, I am not religious. I hold and practice empathy and compassion of my own volition, not because I think it will grant me entry into a heavenly kingdom, or because a text has instructed me to ‘do unto others’. I have lived these thirty-one years, subjected to a well meaning, though incredibly spiteful at times, grandmother (may she rest in peace) and an often unaffectionate, though dedicated, mother. I muse on the probability that I should turn out so opposite; emotional, sensitive, a clear empath. Growing up, I was quiet, terribly shy, and I missed my mum wherever she left. In my 20’s, I was a social butterfly, independent to a fault, engaged in risky behavior which would eventually catch up with me. I later became very selective with my relationships and friendships, and now I would describe myself as being the healthy culmination of an introverted extrovert. Luckily, I have found someone of equal measure, and when this world gets too heavy, we are more than happy retreating to our little home, with our obnoxious though lovable cat, reflecting on all the things we remain thankful for. The best advice I can give during moments of such monumental tragedy; never loose focus on your capacity for kindness.

    xx,

    e.darby

  • fête des mères ’17

    This Vogue article almost perfectly sums up several of my fears when it comes to motherhood. I’ve touched on it briefly  but now that we’re a little older and financially sound, the posibility of having or considering having a kid looms closer each day. I say it like I wouldn’t welcome it but we both absolutaly would. It’s just that, the literature, the social media, and discussion board comments seem to be filled with everything from endearing mums to down right indignant commenters that believe you’re somehow owed a heavy dose of ridicule should you dare to kiss your child on the lips.

    I’ve purchased what most likely may be only my second, though probably last, baby book; The Impatient Women’s Guide to Getting Pregnant and guess what? Surprise! I have absolutely no patience for any of it. The data is conflicting, everyone and their – literal – mothers have an opinion on how to be the perfect parent when, lets be honest here, many could have probably done better. The argument being of course, even if you really did do what society hails as being a smashing job on raising the most respectful and hard working (don’t forget mindful) child know to man, there’s always something that could have been done differently, dare I say even, better. I know for a fact I’ve made mistakes in my past that will more than likely get thrown in my face by our future offspring, I like to think it will actually assist me in being the most awesome mum ever.

    Hot debates on fertility treatment, bread feeding in public, what you should and shouldn’t eat while pregnant, its enough for anyone to throw their hands up and say “forget it!” Though I warn against this, lest you insight judgment from the masses for being ‘selfish’ in you decision to not procreate (insert exaggerated eye roll). Add to the fact the studies, oh my are there a TON of studiers, for and against a glass of wine, e-cigs, cannabis to curb nausea, fish, wheat! I don’t know about you but I am already anxiety prone without having to worry about how getting upset in traffic might stall my ability to conceive. My past experience has taught me that nothing is promised, not tomorrow, not your significant other surviving another day, absolutely nothing, nor is anything owed for that matter. In addition, though this seems like sage wisdom when actually it’s just obvious advice; take care of not only yourselves but each other. There’s a lot of talk about feminism, but some of these same women turn on their fellow sisters; for breast feeding in public or asking local government to provide affordable daycare. I offer, that we not place so many labels on things, or ourselves, and be satisfied with the fact that you’ve been given the wonderful opportunity to exist, that you have the ability to make meaningful contribution to the world. I implore each and every one you to judge less and just…live more.

    Ps. I bought one more book, so far I am half regretting it half looking forward to discovering the healthy recipes I’ve been promised. If you like feeling that your consumption of meat is destroying your ‘baby home’-and the planet- then pick up Alicia Silverstone’s The Kind Mama.

    xx,

    e.darby