northern ca living

Category: life

  • Trigger Warning – 10 years later

    I just couldn’t find much on how to process these randomised bouts of grief and depression, especially when they hit during the morning, on my way in to work. It’s not that I couldn’t go home, I absolutely can, no questions asked, but will going home to an empty house make me feel better…or worse?

    Three years into my marriage and I still can’t find the words to begin the conversation of the toll this immense grief takes on me (10 years later), due to the loss of an old  friend and lover. There’s no book on this, not that I am aware of anyway. So I have to keep moving forward, I have a promotion waiting on the line, I have people at work depending on me. I am not an important CEO, whose sole responsibility it is to keep a company afloat, I am just a lowly government employee, though I do take my job very serious. As a millennial in the workplace, there’s already the assumption that I am checked out, one foot outside the door awaiting the next opportunity, with no loyalty to my current employer. I have something to prove, and I’ve always been hard on myself to succeed and stand out as a hard working and reliable employee, so how then do I cope with the immense loss I still feel a decade later, for a high school crush that would turn into a fierce romance and lifelong friendship, extending beyond death.

    I do know how crazy that is, to assert that a deceased loved one continues to infiltrate my dreams and ‘visit’, I am the one who has to wake to the harsh realisation that it was all part of my subconscious and not an actual encounter, however real it may have felt. There are just some things in this world that can not be explained, and all I can say for certain is that I went to bed last night, wrapped in the warmth and comfort of a loving husband on Valentine’s Day, and woke cold and alone (the husband off to work before me), with the lingering memory of seeing those brilliant blue eyes in my dreams and the devastating, heart sinking sense of loss that followed. I can’t even find his name on the internet. There are so many who have passed with the same moniker since 2009, it’s as though he never existed. I know that’s silly too, but what about love or depression makes sense?

    So here are some tips I guess, should you find yourself like me, at work, crying, devastated at the loss of someone important in your life. It may help, or you may find some other article about how to deal with a recent loss that might help you, though my loss is not recent, and I am a living testament; time, so far, has not healed these wounds.

    National Suicide Prevention Hotline:

    1-800-273-8255
    HEALTHY LIVING

    Returning To Work While Grieving: 5 Helpful Suggestions

    Make sure you’re honest with both yourself and others

    If you’ve recently lost a loved one, then the grief is likely still fresh. But at some point you have to pick up the pieces and return to work. How you handle deep sorrow in the workplace will play a significant role in how well you’re able to heal and return to a semblance of “normal” after a great loss.

    The Normality of Grief

    Grief is a natural response to any kind of loss. We may suffer grief from losing a job, our health, a relationship, a pet, our home, or any other tangible (or intangible) object.

    But the most intense grief follows the loss of a life: particularly the death of a close family member or friend. And because grief can be so intense in that situation, people rarely know how to respond.

    “Grieving is a personal and highly individual experience. How you grieve depends on many factors, including your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith, and the nature of the loss,” explains Melinda Smith, M.A.

    “The grieving process takes time. Healing happens gradually; it can’t be forced or hurried ― and there is no ‘normal’ timetable for grieving.”

    Some people can grieve for a few days and return relatively to normal. For others, grief happens in stages that can last for months, even years. The essential thing is for you to recognize the normality of grief and allow it to happen.

    How To Deal With Grief In The Workplace

    “Giving adequate room for grief is also vital to a person’s well-being. This is something that can be prepared somewhat prior to a loved one’s death,” explains Susan Fraser of In the Light Urns.

    “If the dying person is a close family member or friend, those who are grieving may not feel able to go back to work or school right away. They can make arrangements ahead of time so that they do not feel the pressure to ask for accommodations while they are also coping with the loss.”

    But what if the death is sudden and unexpected? After a few days away from work, how do you carry your grief upon your return to the office when there was no plan or chance to prepare? Consider the following tips and strategies:

    1. Focus On Doing

    Your natural inclination may be to shut down and do nothing, but being productive can be a substantial springboard for healing. By focusing on performing constructive tasks, you may shift your mind away from your distress for set periods of time and regain a semblance of stability in your life.

    Don’t confuse doing with ignoring, though. Pushing emotions away and staying busy so you don’t have to experience your grief is something different. Work should only be used as a temporary distraction and route to recovery.

    Grief needs to happen, but balancing it with familiar tasks that are unrelated to the death of your loved one can help you avoid becoming consumed by feelings of anguish and depression.

    2. Let Others Help

    If there’s ever a moment in your life when you shouldn’t be ashamed to ask for help, it’s in the wake of a loved one’s death. Not only do other people understand your situation, but they want to help.

    Instead of closing yourself off and asserting that everything’s fine, be honest with your coworkers. This is something Anna Runyan realized when she went through the grieving process after two miscarriages and the loss of her aunt in a short span of time.

    “I realized that, when I opened up and let everyone know what I was going through, they were able to understand better,” Runyan says. “They were happy to pick up my workload right away, and they didn’t expect me to be doing anything. Because they were so supportive, I could really focus on myself.”

    3. Forgive People For Their Responses

    Don’t be surprised if things feel a bit awkward when you return to the office. People can be very loving and compassionate, but we often struggle with a proper response to death.

    We don’t always know how to speak to someone who’s lost someone precious, and there can be a lot of hesitation and outright fear of saying the wrong thing. A clumsy solution is to avoid the subject entirely.

    While this is hardly the best thing people can do, you must try not to hold it against them. Recognize that they are trying their best to be sensitive to your emotional state and don’t wish to send you into a tailspin of despair.

    Forgive others for their responses, but you should also not hesitate to let them know you’re a little hurt. This can open things up and lead to healthier interactions thereafter.

    4. Understand Your Benefits

    Did you know that many large companies offer an array of benefits for people who are going through personal issues … including grief? Take advantage of these opportunities if they’re there for you.

    “I worked for the same company for six years and never understood my benefits,” Runyan points out. “I realized later than I would have liked to know that my company offered some amazing benefits, including free confidential counseling and research programs.”

    If you’re not sure whether you have such benefits available to you, don’t be afraid to ask. The worst thing that can happen is your HR department or boss will say no, I’m sorry. It’s also possible that, even if you don’t have a particular service in your formal benefits package, the boss may offer to cover the cost associated with counseling on the company’s dime.

    You never know until you put yourself out there.

    5. Find A Quiet Place To Retreat

    As you may know, grief tends to come in waves. You can be fine one minute, then encounter a tiny trigger that sets off an involuntary flow of deep emotion the next.

    Because you can never know how “stable” you’ll be from one day to the next, it’s worthwhile to have a place where you can retreat to if necessary. The last place you want to break down is in the middle of a crowded conference or break room.

    Your retreat may be as simple as closing your office door. But if you don’t have your own space? An empty closet, rarely used stairwell, or bathroom stall may be a fine temporary retreat.

    When you feel tears coming on, excuse yourself from wherever you are and find some solace in your “quiet place.” You’ll feel better not melting down in front of the rest of the office and your coworkers will understand.

    Take the Next Step Toward Healing

    Grief plays a catalytic role in psychological healing after the death of a loved one. But because grief can last for weeks, months, or years, most people have to return to work while they’re still in the process of grieving.

    When you get back to work, make sure you’re honest with both yourself and others. Recognize where you are, emotionally, and don’t fight the natural process of mourning. The sooner you’re able to confront and process your grief, the sooner you’ll be able to live the rest of your life in a healthy and productive manner.

    It can be good to meet with a grief counselor or psychiatrist if you feel you could use some help coping with your emotions. This is not a sign of weakness, but an intelligent step in the right direction.

    This post is part of Common Grief, a Healthy Living editorial initiative. Grief is an inevitable part of life, but that doesn’t make navigating it any easier. The deep sorrow that accompanies the death of a loved one, the end of a marriage or even moving far away from home, is real. But while grief is universal, we all grievedifferently. So we started Common Griefto help learn from each other. Let’s talk about living with loss. If you have a story you’d like to share, email us at strongertogether@huffingtonpost.com.

  • équilibre

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    Sonoma State University (@seawolfliving)

    I’m at work, and I keep getting these collect calls from state penitentiaries, the first one was a male located somewhere in Washington State, the second, a woman from here in CA. I hear these peoples’ recorded voices and I can’t help but immediately think; they are calling a wrong number with their one and only phone call of the day! I want to answer, I want to ask if I can contact someone for them, I don’t even think about what they might be in for. I like to say my default action is empathy.

    I can’t say the same for the rest of the world. I know there are people who mean well. I know there are those who go out of their way to volunteer, lend a hand to neighbors, but when it comes to someone bullying your child, where do you stand then? Does it immediately become an ‘us’ against ‘them’ mentality? Do you think about what that child may be going through that may cause them to enact such distress onto yours? I believe I know how I would respond in this situation, but as is often said, you truly don’t until it happens.

    I listen to all of these true crime podcasts, some are rife with levity; My Favorite Murder (though some may find this gauche given the subject), which is a great distraction from the more serious and often devastating Sword and Scale, or the exclusively UK, They Walk Among Us. I wouldn’t normally say this is close company but then again, how many people will actually see this…right? But I find myself focused more on the acused compared to the the victim. Let me dig a little deeper here; child crimes are my absolute. I don’t care who you are or how damaged a human being you became due to experiences that were beyond your control, if you harm a child you are below the lowest of even warranting a second glance or thought. There is no excuse for that behavior, I don’t care if you are a parent beating you child and you think you are disciplining them, or those involved in all the other various and unspeakable crimes against children I hear about. Hard line; you are scum if you hurt a child. Now, when children hurt other children, or their parents, etc. That to me warrants some further investigation. I am not sure if one is born with a proclivity for violence, but I do spend a lot of time during and immediately following these horrific stories wondering if something more could have been done. If that child expelled from school for bullying you kid could have had just a little more attention, a hands on approach rather than feeling tossed aside by the teachers and the system that should have been there to guide them. How do we garner such empathy for those who do horrible things? Is it possible? I hear of some families, held captive by the devastation of loosing their loved one, in the court room they stand, facing the accused and say; I forgive you. What it must take, and I don’t know about religion because though that may very well play a part, I am not religious. I hold and practice empathy and compassion of my own volition, not because I think it will grant me entry into a heavenly kingdom, or because a text has instructed me to ‘do unto others’. I have lived these thirty-one years, subjected to a well meaning, though incredibly spiteful at times, grandmother (may she rest in peace) and an often unaffectionate, though dedicated, mother. I muse on the probability that I should turn out so opposite; emotional, sensitive, a clear empath. Growing up, I was quiet, terribly shy, and I missed my mum wherever she left. In my 20’s, I was a social butterfly, independent to a fault, engaged in risky behavior which would eventually catch up with me. I later became very selective with my relationships and friendships, and now I would describe myself as being the healthy culmination of an introverted extrovert. Luckily, I have found someone of equal measure, and when this world gets too heavy, we are more than happy retreating to our little home, with our obnoxious though lovable cat, reflecting on all the things we remain thankful for. The best advice I can give during moments of such monumental tragedy; never loose focus on your capacity for kindness.

    xx,

    e.darby

  • la réflexion

    Was very excited to be back in Sonoma County, even for the day. The husband and I decided, with forthcoming large events already planned, that our first wedding anniversary would be spent in the wee town of Sebastopol, for their Annual Gravenstein Apple Fair. Bay Area funk band Con Brio was such an inspiration amid some very divisive news occurring at the same time (see Charlottesville, VA). Witnessing the diversity and lively atmosphere enjoyed by an inspiring culmination of individuals at this small, country town gathering, was immensely heartwarming.

    While attending Sonoma State I had my first opportunity to visit the farm friendly fair with my roommates. Once graduated, married, and following multiple experiences of great loss, I look back at these times I took for granted. One roommate, an ex who though I wish well, I do not keep in touch with, the other, I rarely if ever speak to, which is unfortunate as I fondly recall several nights we spent tipsy and emotional, assured we would be friends forever. Though she has moved on to have the most amazing life, I too remain thankful for my own, excited for the travels and experiences ahead. I’m grateful for a supportive partner who stands by in my darkest moments, of which there have been a few recently…

    After the death of one of my most influential musical artists this summer, I embarked on a solo road trip to attend a public memorial in Los Angeles, this just so happened to land on my amazing older sisters birthday!

    My husband was kind enough to cut our yearly trip with friends short and drive me home from Shasta late Sunday night. The majority of my time during this trip was spent taking in the mountain scenery from the patio of our Shasta rental, accompanied by the nostalgic sound of Linkin Park. All of the reminders from my youth came flooding in and suddenly, surprisingly, I was left facing the harsh reality that is mental illness. I must include an aside, I am  so very appreciative of my husband during difficult moments. I look forward to possibly return the favor, should he ever find himself venturing down his own dark spiral. But this is part of marriage few discuss; supporting one another and being strong when the other person just needs a little time for their armor to break, before helping to fuse it back together.

    We were able to make it home near midnight and had a few hour sleep prior to picking up my car rental, then I was off to LA. The drive out was therapeutic. I sang, I shouted along to the lyrics, I was left in awe of the San Gabriel hills. I took my time appreciating the scenery, though I’ve never felt like I had a large connection to Los Angeles. Even now, the sheer mass intimidates me. It appears to me as a living breathing organism, feeding off the various lives thriving and dwindling within it. Something about the vibe of this town has never seemed quite right.

    During the CB Memorial, I was in awe at the outpouring of emotions and heartfelt stories from fans at this all volunteer event held at Grand Park. The personal loss of those in attendance was immense, side by side with the devastation we all felt from losing someone most of us did not truly know, yet held so much connection to and received so much emotional support from.

    The day was made so much more special with my sister in tow. As I screamed alongside the crowd; “Shut up when I am talking to you!” She laughed, and sympathized with my angry childhood. The burning need I felt to be heard during such a pivotal time in my personal development, begging for attention rarely received from our shared single mother. We spent little time together growing up, with a six year age gap, when she wasn’t tormenting me she was attending to her teenage lifestyle, before joining the military. I am so honored to have the close relationship we’ve established and maintained over the years.

    The following day, I enjoy a short trip to Palos Verdes; sister and younger nephew in tow, before heading home. The view from the Terranea Resort was absolutely breathtaking, an area frequented by the late singer during his early morning workouts.

    Celio Point

    In response to my depression following the death of Chester Bennington, my husband and I decided to seek individual and couple therapy. We realize that we both have tendencies to get triggered by internal and external forces. Our experiences and traumas that drift into our daily lives from our pasts, have a way of quietly assimilating into the life we’ve created together. I have listed some of the resources we utilize with the hope that others who are wanting to work on themselves and/or their marriages/relationships, might also find these tools useful.

    In closing, I desperately hope to have more uplifting topics with my next post, but this morning I was made aware of the devastating occurrence in the city of Las Vegas, during the Route 91 Harvest Festival. I have family in the area and my heart goes out to those who personally felt the devastation from this monstrous act. (I have included a list of blood donation sites on my Twitter page). FB_IMG_1506961710965

    xx,

    e.darby

    Useful Resources:

    The First Year of Marriage

    Complex PTSD Workbook

    Bearing the Unbearable; Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief

     

  • Gettin Better-Anna Shinoda

    https://annashinoda.wordpress.com/2017/08/26/getting-better/amp/

  • fête des mères ’17

    This Vogue article almost perfectly sums up several of my fears when it comes to motherhood. I’ve touched on it briefly  but now that we’re a little older and financially sound, the posibility of having or considering having a kid looms closer each day. I say it like I wouldn’t welcome it but we both absolutaly would. It’s just that, the literature, the social media, and discussion board comments seem to be filled with everything from endearing mums to down right indignant commenters that believe you’re somehow owed a heavy dose of ridicule should you dare to kiss your child on the lips.

    I’ve purchased what most likely may be only my second, though probably last, baby book; The Impatient Women’s Guide to Getting Pregnant and guess what? Surprise! I have absolutely no patience for any of it. The data is conflicting, everyone and their – literal – mothers have an opinion on how to be the perfect parent when, lets be honest here, many could have probably done better. The argument being of course, even if you really did do what society hails as being a smashing job on raising the most respectful and hard working (don’t forget mindful) child know to man, there’s always something that could have been done differently, dare I say even, better. I know for a fact I’ve made mistakes in my past that will more than likely get thrown in my face by our future offspring, I like to think it will actually assist me in being the most awesome mum ever.

    Hot debates on fertility treatment, bread feeding in public, what you should and shouldn’t eat while pregnant, its enough for anyone to throw their hands up and say “forget it!” Though I warn against this, lest you insight judgment from the masses for being ‘selfish’ in you decision to not procreate (insert exaggerated eye roll). Add to the fact the studies, oh my are there a TON of studiers, for and against a glass of wine, e-cigs, cannabis to curb nausea, fish, wheat! I don’t know about you but I am already anxiety prone without having to worry about how getting upset in traffic might stall my ability to conceive. My past experience has taught me that nothing is promised, not tomorrow, not your significant other surviving another day, absolutely nothing, nor is anything owed for that matter. In addition, though this seems like sage wisdom when actually it’s just obvious advice; take care of not only yourselves but each other. There’s a lot of talk about feminism, but some of these same women turn on their fellow sisters; for breast feeding in public or asking local government to provide affordable daycare. I offer, that we not place so many labels on things, or ourselves, and be satisfied with the fact that you’ve been given the wonderful opportunity to exist, that you have the ability to make meaningful contribution to the world. I implore each and every one you to judge less and just…live more.

    Ps. I bought one more book, so far I am half regretting it half looking forward to discovering the healthy recipes I’ve been promised. If you like feeling that your consumption of meat is destroying your ‘baby home’-and the planet- then pick up Alicia Silverstone’s The Kind Mama.

    xx,

    e.darby

  • écrire plus!

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    ***LATE POST (like way way late)***

    As I headed into the last leg of the nanowrimo process, I needed to take a breather from writing, so I came to my blog 😉 **then I waited several months before I came back** This has been such a harrowing experience; attempting to write a 50,000 word novel in just 31 days. I am not a perfectionist by any means, but trying to breeze through this novel-sans edititing every step of the way-has forced me to ease up on the reigns a bit, in writing and thankfully in holding myself accountable for trudging through the days, only now hitting the 2k/day mark, not to mention the much appreciated distraction from the ensuing events of the world.

    I unfortunately became rather detoured with a recent celebration in Reno, NV; my 30th birthday (Nov. 19th)! Until now, I had never enjoyed the opportunity to hang out in this adult playground. The hubby and I enjoyed seeing Adam Corolla live and a steak and seafood dinner. The restaurant served New Zealand Red Deer, which I was totally unaware is quite the delicacy in the land of the great white cloud. We danced the night away to a live band and retro 90s dj. There even served us a flaming bowl of alcohol! However, I recall very little beyond that. This trip did allow me to remain secure in the fact that, when the chips are down (cheeky casino ref.) my husband will always be there for me 💙

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    In keeping up with the Steampunk Stroll happening that same night in Reno, I got this epic gears necklace.

    Fast Forward>> to the most awe inspiring, nerd-fest honeymoon of all time 😍

    We flew out for Auckland New Zealand in late December. Landing at the airport, the weather was cloudy with a little humidity, it truly felt like we were in a topical oasis. The husband and I spent 14 days driving a Britz camper van from Auckland on the North Island all the way down to Queenstown on the South Island, where we would fly out of and back to Auckland for another 13 hour flight back to San Francisco Intl.

    We did some touristy stuff like visiting the Auckland War Memorial Museum, Winter Garden Pavilion, and went to the top of the Sky Tower. Highly recommend Giapo for gourmet ice cream. I had my first exposure to a New Zealand favorite; Hokey Pokey and officially became obsessed. A coupe days later we went to the fascinating Waitomo glow worm caves and learned that back in the 1800s our 30 dollar admission fee was a mere 8 cents! (Side note, the money in NZ is SO colorful). Driving through the lush country sides we noticed two different deer farms, which I though was strange because on any given day if you are around the rivers near our home of Sacramento, CA you can almost always spot deer, prancing out in the open, unenclosed. Only later did we realize these adorable creatures would likely demolish the lush environment if allowed to roam as they do here in Cali., and I recalled that expensive NZ deer steak we saw on the menu back in Reno.

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    Hobbiton-Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit filming location. Matamata, New Zealand

    We stayed in some wonderful Holiday Parks, the most memorable being at Himatangi Beach on Christmas. There were so many local families that loved to stay in these parks. They are perfect for hooking up your camper or motorhome if you need water/electricity, or if you only had a car and tent, most offer non hook-up sites and you can even find free car parks too. People were so friendly and helpful. I loved how everyone was comfortable talking to strangers and sharing stories and travel tips. We took a picture at Mordor on Christmas Day, which was pretty much as epic as it gets. We’ll go back someday to experience the multi day trails that can be found on the Alpine Crossing. Then again… just walking uphill for 20 feet proved challenging for our bettered knees and backs. The one downside we discovered was on Christmas, when NO liquor stores were allowed to sell alcohol. It proved very convenient on every other day though, having plenty of Four Squares and PAK’nSAVE stores when we were in need of food and supplies.

    Wellington was by far our favorite city. We stayed here for two days, had a wonderful time drinking craft beer and ale, eating at open air restaurants, and I even got my nails done (#ladyluxury). We booked a tour at the Weta Workshop, where I came face to face with an actual fully functioning Warthog from Halo. We saw and held props from District 9, The Chronicles of Narnia, and of course, Lord of the Rings. This is a must do weather you are a movie buff or not, it is a priceless and inspiring experience. For those of you familiar with the jaw-dropping show Westworld, we saw a life size silicone mold of none other than Matt Damon being created with that fast pace needle work you see in the opening credits. It was truly surreal.

    Hanmer Springs located on the South Island, was the coolest water park. Instead of boasting chlorine water, every pool was filled with natural sulfur springs. They even had slides! The most amazingly large portion of fish and chips were served at a small food shack just outside of the park, much more fresh and less expensive than in the states. Not to mention, something about the coffee was amazing (even though when you ordered regular coffee, to kiwis this automatically meant it included milk) and the eggs were the most brilliant orange we’ve ever seen!

    Lake Te Anau was a really nice little town surrounding the most beautiful lake, after staying here for a night, we headed down to the Christchurch ruins, Dunedin, and finally Queenstown, where we found the second most amazing ice cream at Patagonia.

    Queenstown was an obvious hot spot. Busier than Wellington but smaller so the crowds made it seem like we were in a much large city. There were no shortage of extreme activities to sign up for; bungee jumping, jet boat rides, the coolest looking chair lift you could see from most areas of the town, leading to to what I was told was a café and restaurant that rarely had reservations available, so we skipped it. Opting to instead, to drive up the mountain for about 40 minutes to the town of Glenorchy. This was a rather quaint country town and yet boasts so many fimiling locations! From Isengard in LOTR, to several forest shoots seen in the Hobbit movies, even a scene from Wolverine was filmed on one of the gravel roads we traveled on.

    After our luxurious stays at Holiday Parks, having access to showers and laundry service, we chose to spend New Years at a DOC campground near Lake Sylvan. We later ate at the same spot where the cast and crew from LOTR use to hang out at during filming, on the walls hung typical American nostalgia, including James Dean and Spaghetti Western memorabilia. There was even an old western map of Reno, NV hanging near the bar 🙂

    TIP: Be sure to purchase local bug repellent to rid yourself of the nasty little sand flies that swarm this location. Our weak and useless Off spray did zilch to keep away this tiny little guys, and I was unfortunate enough to get so many bites on my feet it lead to temporary but very unpleasant skin issues.

    Dart River boat rides, a thrilling adventure we highly recommend, was not cheap but totally worth it to see the surrounding landscape from the river, and explore tucked away groves and World Heritage sites. The driver was absolutely crazy! Water sprayed us everywhere (luckily they loan you oversized ponchos to wear under the life jackets). He would signal when we were heading into 180 turns, and there were two boats zipping around each other at the same time.

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    Me and my smiling hubby in the back row 🙂

     

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    And finally, now that we’re all up to speed (pfew). It was a lovely first Valentine’s as newlyweds. My super amazing husband sent a special delivery marking the previous day as our six month wedding anniversary! I felt incredibly loved as I carried the large and awkwardly shaped bright green box up the stairs to my office. Then, later that evening, I spent a few hours watching my new roller derby team mates participate in our first scrimmage of the season, #GalentinesDay. Lastly, the following day I completed my public service entry level probation, and began the first course towards earning my MPA certification online at the University of Missouri. So many great things have already occurred, and even more are inevitably on the way… 👶

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    “For my amazing wife. You are wonderfully beautiful, brilliant, and bona-fide awesome. But you know that already!!! So here’s to another year of adventure and discovery my copilot. All the loves! Your HUBBY! Muah xoxo”

  • Confessions Of A Happy Introvert | Huffington Post

    Michelle Richmond New York Times bestselling author of The Year of Fog, Golden State

      I’m an introvert who loves entertaining a crowd.

    I’ve always had a hard time “going out.” Don’t get me wrong, my love of travel has taken me all over the world, from Ushuaia to Beijing to Budapest, Reykjavik to Oslo, and I certainly enjoy a rousing party every now and then. But most of the time, I prefer to be alone or with my small family, in nature or at home, writing, reading, or reviewing submissions to the small press that is my literary labor of love.

    As a kid, I spent hours alone in my room, contently writing and reading, and my mom would always ask, “Why don’t you go out and play?” But I didn’t want to go out and play. What a lot of well-intentioned people have trouble understanding is that introverts are happier being alone. But this doesn’t mean that we don’t value friendships and relationships; it only means that we thrive with a smaller social circle, and that we take our social interactions in smaller doses.

    In Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, Susan Cain delves into the science of introversion. Introverts are simply wired differently, on a neural level. Too much surface-level interaction (think playground chatter, cocktail parties) leaves us feeling depleted. We need time alone, and we need quiet ― not because we’re “anti-social,” but because we find long bouts of social interaction deeply exhausting. We do like people, but after spending time with them, we need more time to recharge.

    I wish someone had told me when I was a kid that it’s okay to want to be alone.

    Introversion isn’t about shyness, either. It doesn’t necessarily translate into social fear or awkwardness. I feel supremely comfortable on stage, entertaining an audience, and I consider this to be an important part of my job as a writer and storyteller. At parties where I don’t know anyone, I may not walk up and say, “Hi! My name is Michelle! I’m a writer!” But I’m likely to walk up, smile, listen and ask you questions about the things I find interesting about you.

    For all the bad rap introverts get, extroverts often like talking to us, because we tend to be interested in other people’s histories. During my dating years, I found meeting men to be the easiest thing in the world. I could hardly round a corner without meeting a guy and ending up on a date (I once ended up in a relationship with a guy I met in a car crash in Atlanta). My ease with the opposite sex had everything do with the fact that asking questions comes naturally to me. A lot of people like to talk about themselves, and introverts like to listen. Who doesn’t want to be heard?

    I wish someone had told me when I was a kid that it’s okay to want to be alone. I wish the studies on happiness as it relates to extroversion and introversion took into account the great contentment we introverts feel when we are engaged in a meaningful intellectual task. Writing makes me happy. My books then take me out into the world and engender true connection with strangers. Because readers tend to feel a kind of intimacy with a book they respond strongly to—and by extension with its author—we are often able to immediately cut through the surface and talk about things that matter. Readers will often contact me through email or approach me at events to talk about their own losses, their histories, significant details of their lives. This connection is meaningful to me and brings me joy. I am able fully engage in these moments because I have plenty of time alone to write my books.

    Like many introverts, I find it really easy to be in front of a crowd. Put me on a stage, and I get energized. In a group, though, all that energy drains away. If it looks like I’ve zoned out, it’s because I’m on sensory overload, and I need a minute to refocus.

    For introverts, balance is key. We may like you, but a large “girls’ night out” isn’t our first choice. We’re more likely to enjoy going out to coffee with you or a very small group of friends every now and then, hearing what you have to say, understanding what’s really going on in your life. If I see a group of moms gathered on the playground at school pickup, I tend to stay away. Not because I’m shy, and not because I don’t like them — but because small talk depletes me. But if I see one of those women standing alone, it’s a different story. It is in smaller groups that the walls come down and we are better able to get past chatter and learn something real about another person ― that the exuberant mother-of-four dreams of starting a business, that the lady you’ve only ever seen in yoga pants was, until recently, an intensive care nurse.

    Introverts need time to think through things, to connect with our own thoughts and dreams.

    People are so much more interesting when you know where they come from, what they hope for, why they do the things they do. This information is hard to come by when everything is noisy and high-octane. The quiet moments allow for connection, and connection is important to introverts.

    But in addition to connecting on an intimate level with others, introverts need time to think through things, to connect with our own thoughts and dreams. Yes, we are dreamers. As a kid, I had friends. I got along with my teachers. I made jokes (and was even voted funniest girl in my graduating class of a large public high school, although I have a feeling the yearbook teacher might have skewed the results in my favor). But an entire school day of constant interaction was never easy, so I used class lectures as a time to get away, inside my own head. While I loved English, I got through the boredom and anxiety of math and science by using the class time to secretly write. Writing and daydreaming gave me an out — it was my quiet space in a world of chaos. It was my escape. I know now that I did this because a day of school is exhausting for an introvert.

    I see this exhaustion in my son every day after school, and because I know what that’s like, I try to not over schedule him. He has a lot of friends, and his friends are extremely important to him. But I understand that, after a long day at school, he is happiest if he spends some time at home, alone or with just one or two friends. At the end of a rowdy party or play date or team sports event, he needs the time and space to wind down.

    If you happen to be an extrovert parent with an introverted child, don’t be alarmed by your child’s occasional need for solitude. It’s just his or her natural, healthy response to sensory and social overload. Remember, it’s not a personality flaw or a sign of unhappiness. It’s simply the way your child responds to the world on a neural level.

    If you are an introvert, don’t let anyone make you feel bad for not wanting to “get out more.” And if you are an extrovert who is always trying to draw the introvert out of his shell: just know, the introvert may be happy just the way he is. Don’t assume that the introverts in your life don’t like you or find you interesting. If they don’t go to your party, it’s not because they’re shy, and it’s not because they’re snobby. Introverts are just like you, only quieter. We need our time alone, and sometimes, we need time alone with you — just the two of us, to really connect.

    Michelle Richmond is the author of four novels, including the New York Times bestseller The Year of Fog, and two award-winning story collections. Her new novel will be published in 2017, with foreign editions forthcoming in 23 languages and film rights optioned to Twentieth Century Fox. Sign up to receive a monthly digest of Michelle’s most popular blog posts, reading recommendations, and notes on the writing life.

  • le bonheur et la tristesse

    The hubby’s birthday is just around the corner (October 19th) and I have a special outing to our favorite sushi spot ready to go. Luckily, we’re getting there the same day a weekly fresh fish delivery arrives, yum! Due to the egregious cost of our impending Christmas honeymoon, we’ve decided to try and keep it pretty lean for the rest of the year… I bought him a pair of Diesel jeans on mega sale (in my defense), through Nordstrom Rack and due to this year being my 3oth on November 19th, I have hinted at finally getting one of those fancy gold oversized watches, not real gold of course and from Amazon. I equate it to when you hear of people receiving a watch for being at their job for 20 years, only this is a long sought after Marc Jacobs that I’ve chosen for my personal hard work during 30 challenging years on earth. Also, (I said we’d try to keep it lean!) the Alliance Française de Sacramento is hosting an amazing La Fête du Beaujolais Nouveau fundraiser the night of my birthday so we obviously cannot miss this event… because, WINE.

    I could swear the price of our honeymoon increases with every month that brings us closer to departure. It’s safe to say we will not be using a travel agent ever again. For future arrangements, I’ve looked into Go Ahead tours; coming up in September of 2017 (hopefully) Italy! We’ve also discussed Iceland, Cuba, and potentially another RV trip, this time through Canada! One of these countries may become our future permanent residence, what with the state of the nation, a very poor education and daycare outlook, and the horrific stories that pass through my desk on a daily basis in my government position, detailing just how poorly some children are being treated by peers and even teachers at school. Though we feel it might be the best option for our family to re-locate, I do have a mountain of student loans which tie me to the US through a generous forgiveness program, so long as I continue my work with the government full-time. Granted, at this stage it may be more of a fantasy than a concrete plan, I am still incredibly excited at the possibility of international living!

    The reason I began this blog was to discover new and hopefully exciting things about myself, and to have a platform far removed from the more analytical set up of my cinema blog. I’ve been trying on different tones and styles through this little site and hopefully I continue to have a healthy dose of diverse topics and things to share. Just to prepared the reader, what I am about to describe is bit more raw and potentially emotional than my previous posts.

    ***

    I had a dream last night about an old friend. The dream began with my husband and me discussing our plans to relocate from California to New Zealand. I was scouting new homes and somewhere along my search I was abducted; a seller tried to force me into buying their property! It gets really spliced after that but when the dream comes back into focus I am –understandably– in a panic as I take out my cell to call my best friend. It was an instinctual gesture, whenever I needed anything there was only one person I wanted to turn to; an unwavering beacon of hope and happiness. I was elated when he picked up. As it turned out, he was only half a block away and we began walking towards one another while he stayed on the phone to calm me down. The sight of him coming around the corner was/is a feeling I can’t easily forget, or describe. I quickly dropped my phone and rush over to him. The sight and the feel of his warmth enveloped me in a way I am ashamed to admit. This is the person who was there throughout my tumultuous high school experience, the one who stuck up for me when his family decided I wasn’t good enough (based on my skin tone), that beautiful blue eye boy that loved me unconditionally at my worst most abhorrent young adult moments.

    The cat wakes me up…I don’t immediately begin gasping and crying as per usual. I remember that my husband has the day off due to poor weather so I was sensitive not to wake him. The silent tears rolled down my face as the alarm begins to wail, fully thrusting me back into reality. It’s time to get ready for work… happy Friday. I comfort myself the best I can, tears hot on my cheek; the anger begins to rise. A life cut short at just 24 years old while the rest of us are left to go on as best we can in the wake of his enormous absence. Life can deal some devastating blows, and there are those who get knocked down more than others. Mine came in 2009, when I experienced the tragic end to what was then absolutely, hands down, the love of my life; fatally affected by an irresponsible party goer with a stolen prescription narcotic.

    I’ve listen to both sides of the debate over whether it’s ‘easier’ to know when the loss is coming versus scrambling to deal with it suddenly. In my case, had you told me in advance the most caring and kind person I’d ever meet at that point was going to have their life cut short, there’s not a single thing that could have prepared me. Sure I could have said my goodbyes and there may be more closure than there is now but the rage in my heart would survive. The cruelty of the universe is still fresh in my soul because I refuse to come to terms with what has occurred and why. Though I may never get an answer, only speculations and frequent reminders to myself of how blessed I am to have the love and understanding of my husband. How he stands by when that light inside me, which he’s grown so accustom to, becomes a bit dim now and again. Yet I keep waiting for time to heal this wound, or for my memories to become less defined. Then days like today hit me like a wall of freezing water and suddenly I have shards of glass slicing through my heart as I try to breathe past the pain. How do I tell my future children about this loss? How can I keep putting my husband through the strain of seeing me this way, over a lost love no less? I am left here, looking to the future for the answers.

     

    e.darby